You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
