I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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