they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
