im six kinds of drunk right now
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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