peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
