they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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