When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
