i wish peter jackson would direct porn
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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