Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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