Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
