I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
