I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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