I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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