Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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