Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
