It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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