I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
