we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
