my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
