Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
