We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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