I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
