Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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