Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
