Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
