I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
