Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
