The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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