Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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