shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
