he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
