You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
