these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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