Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
