i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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