it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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