I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
