when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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