Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
