Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
