As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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