she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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