We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
