dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
