found the other keg... it's in the tree
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
