I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
