I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
