I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
