I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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