i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
