these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
