i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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