She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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