there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
