the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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