can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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